Look Closely

Audio By Carbonatix

Many husbands have made this mistake, but as I’m learning, wives have made similar ones. It’s generally not intentional, but when it happens, feelings inadvertently get hurt. I’m not sure of the cause, but it has something to do with looking directly at our spouse while not actually seeing them.

This situation happened to a guy I know, Cleve Bartema. He returned home from work one evening and, as usual, had dinner with his wife. Afterwards, they went to a local park to relax where he took a picture of his wife with the sunset as the backdrop. He then posted the picture on his Facebook page and within seconds, friends were posting comments about how much they liked his wife’s new haircut. She had gotten about five inches chopped off and he hadn’t noticed! He’d been with her for hours and probably looked at her a dozen or more times, but he hadn’t really seen her. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, but I think that after so many years together, spouses can look at one another, and still not see each other.

It’s like when you lose an item. You search the area where you lost it for an hour and can’t find it, even though you know it has to be there. Then someone else comes along and spots it almost immediately. You were looking in the same spot for so long that you actually missed it, even though it was right in front of you. One of the women in our office said that the same thing happened to her. Her husband shaved off the mustache that he’d had for as long as she’s known him, and she didn’t even notice it was gone until she heard other people comment on it.

That’s why it’s important to really look at your wife each day. When you were dating, it wasn’t unusual to gaze deeply into each other’s eyes for long periods of time. Try it again. Maybe you’ll notice your wife cringing or frowning, which might lead you to discover she is in pain or dealing with sadness. You might spot a new wrinkle that reminds you of how wise and mature she’s become. You’ll see her smile and remember how much fun she is and how easily she can make you laugh.

On the other end of the spectrum from not being seen is being seen too much. This can happen when one spouse notices everything about their spouse and mentions it to them. They will correct their spouse when they mispronounce a word, point out that they’ve gained a pound or two, or question whether the outfit they’re wearing is appropriate. That kind of scrutiny, while it may be done in love, can be devastating to the person on the receiving end of it. It doesn’t feel like love. It feels like judgment.

While I’m advocating that you take time to really notice your wife, I’m not advising that you put her under a microscope. And when you look at her, don’t zero in on all of her perceived faults, but look for the traits that are positive and affirming.

Cleve ended up posting an apology to his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it wasn’t his first offense in failing to notice a haircut. But he’s a good guy and a great husband, and hopefully like the rest of us, he will start to look more closely at his spouse.