Restraint and Control

Audio By Carbonatix

So many relationship problems stem from people not using their words carefully. Think with me about how this plays out in the relationships in your life. Have you ever gotten so angry and caught up in the moment that you said something just because you knew it would be hurtful? Or have you ever just reacted out of frustration and said something that was your honest knee-jerk reaction, but that you wouldn’t have said if you had taken a few extra seconds to think before you said it? 

I mention those two examples because I think most of us can relate. When we’re feeling hurt or angry, we may tend to be more sarcastic, or we may tend to be more aggressive. When we’re feeling invalidated or insecure, we may tend to lash out in order to “knock them down a peg.” These are experiences that most of us have lived out, aren’t they? And we know that we almost always regret these “heat of the moment” words immediately. Unfortunately, once something is said, there’s no way to un-say it. We can apologize and we can change our behavior going forward, but we can’t do anything to create a world where our conversation partner never heard our hurtful words. 

As I get older and as I mature, I am continually working to have fewer of these moments. And part of what helps me keep going in that direction is this short and powerful reminder from Proverbs 17:27: “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.” As we all know from experience, that is something that is easier said than done! 

If you really get what life is about and if you really understand the importance of the words and phrases that come out of your mouth, you will have restraint when it comes to the words you say. If you have good balance and you get the big picture, you know to be careful about what comes out of your mouth. 

Sometimes when I see people just losing it, I wish I could pull them aside and tell them that while they think they’re gaining the upper hand by raising the volume of their voice or taking on a really harsh tone, they actually look pretty foolish. In those moments, knowledge and wisdom teach us to step back and cool our jets a little bit. It takes a lot of effort, but it’s important to work to stay in control of our emotions rather than allowing our internal state to explode outwardly and to try to get our way through force of will. 

In family life, restraint and control are vital tools in moments when we’re starting to lose our temper and lose sight of what really matters. Because when we keep our cool and are able to have tough conversations, we have the opportunity to make sure that everybody’s voice is heard in the conversation–not just the person who is willing to be the loudest and angriest voice in the room. 

Learning to practice restraint and control will be a process that takes time, especially if your typical approach to conflict is to respond to it with anger and volume. But remember that growth is a journey, and it’s important to measure your progress along the way so that you don’t get discouraged that you’re not at your final goal immediately. When you start taking steps in the direction toward growth in this area, you’ll be winning more often at home.